Tags

, , ,

Dear G,

Sometimes I don’t know what I’m doing, or what you’re doing. No, actually, I always know what you’re doing / what you want to do, but I have no clue what we are doing. Together.

I’ve always thought you were an impressive person on your own. You know what you want exactly, what to do to get there, and you do it without hesitation. Be it in college, in getting into a better shape, or a pet – you have a goal, and it’s always executed, if not completed, within months.

On the other hand, I make plenty of goals and lists and to-do paths to guide me to my aim – but I hardly ever complete one before I start on another. I am easily distracted, so often persuaded and torn between decisions. I have lists of lists of things to complete which I don’t, but somehow I’m okay with that.

And yet, somehow I feel confused for you. You seem to have placed me perfectly as one of your puzzle pieces in your after-college life, because you think I would make a good companion, or a good whatever-it-is to have on your arms – because that’s the life we’ve all been sold: study hard, land a good job, get rich, marry someone presentable, have kids, and then just don’t be a burden.

See, I’m flattered you think I’m worth the effort to be kept on your arm – I really do. You’re an attractive guy (I’ve been told that on more than enough occasions), and sometimes I wonder if there’s just any reason at all that you may keep me around to make yourself look humble. Don’t call me silly, I just think a lot. I hope not though, and I’m not going to wonder more.

You put in so much effort for us, and I acknowledge that. So do I, you know.

Wait, do you know that? Doesn’t matter, that isn’t why I’m saying all these.

You know, I feel a pang of jealously whenever a friend of yours gets to meet or say hello to your parents, whether it’s a mutual friend or not. Why? You know why. I’m still waiting, and I think this is considered “very patiently”, to officially meet your parents.

Is that too much to ask for?

Honestly, I’ve never actually officially met any parents ever. With R, it was… a unique environment. With D, well, he didn’t seem like he wanted me to. With you, I just thought that since you seem to want me to exist in your life in the long term, maybe you would have wanted to introduce me a long time ago. But you haven’t.

Maybe I’m just yearning for the one time a guy would be confident enough in me to bring me to his folks, and say “Mom, Dad, I’d like you to meet C,” – is that too much to ask for?

Unfortunately, in my wildest imagination, I don’t seem to be able to envision that happening with you, ever. I’m always just going to be that girl in your room who says hi really shyly, creeps upstairs, and never appears at family occasions. I think I’m okay with that now (actually, not really), but one day, when it boils over in me, well, I’d like to apologize in advance for walking away.

Love, C